Getting Organised

So today is my last full day at home before surgery. Tomorrow will be spent relaxing and horse riding with my family, Monday I am spending the day with my work family (purely as distraction!!), but today is about getting the house sorted and tidy, grooming the dogs, packing my bags, and sorting out any last minute bits and pieces.

Pretty much have my bag sorted already this morning. Numerous pairs of button up pajamas, travel pillows for under my arms, comfy pants, a couple of button up tops, surgical bras (not that I'll need them yet), drain belts, and of course a puzzle book! New make up, tooth brush and moisturiser bought. 

Sadly my good pair of havi's died yesterday so I do need to pick up a new pair today. I need to also find my kindle charger!!

Have I forgotten anything???

Something else which I hadn't prepared properly for is explaining to Brindy about me being in hospital and not being able to lift her up for a while. Whilst looking for new shoes I am going to have a look for a book or two about hospital. We will also have some bandages for her 'baby Hayley' to help try to explain. Any other advice for explaining hospitals to a two year old?

Tam

Xoxo

ANXIETY

I mentioned when I started this blog that I would write about all my experiences on this journey. That means the good, the bad, and the sleep deprived.

No matter the amount of yoga, meditation, exercise, nor the twenty packets of calming tea, chamomile, herbal anxiety sprays, rescue remedy etc that I use... I can't sleep. This time next week I will be on my way to Sunshine Coast Private hospital. Although I have come to terms with my decision to have a double mastectomy and I am at peace with this decision, it doesn't stop the anxiety that comes with it. This isn't my first surgery, and working in the medical industry have also seen a number of surgeries as well. But there is always that "What if". I am nervous about the entire experience. I am nervous about waking up with no breast tissue and what that is going to look like. I am nervous about the pain of the expanders. I am most nervous about the result of histology when they hookwire my (newly named) fishy blob. The result of which determines if when I wake up I proceed with further needed treatments.

I have had to seek medical help to assist me in sleeping. Last night although I kept waking up the difference was I fell back to sleep very quickly. Didn't even hear Brindy Bear wake up this morning (sorry Rod!).

Sadly I am not coping well with expressing my anxiety over this matter. I have been brought up (like my beautiful sisters) to be strong. The three Allcorn girls put on a brave face, suck it up (for a better expression), and get on with it! My sister showed so much strength and determination throughout her breast cancer  journey, and my older sister has stood by and watched both of us go through trauma and stood by supporting us the best she can. However to actually talk about what is going on in emotional terms is not our strong point!! Hence one of the reasons this blog was started. Prior to this blog I was keeping too much inside. Poor Rod experienced an explosion of emotion when I just couldn't take it any more and I blurted out everything going through my head in a mess of tears. In fact I asked Rod to read everything above this paragraph and he told me I was only scratching the surface and to go back and write more!

My biggest anxiety is how I am going to look. I understand the scars, I have seen so many photos of post op, I have seen the implants and expanders, but it will be so different when I see them on myself. There are words from my surgeon that keep repeating themselves... "You are going from having amazing boobs, too good boobs". This is a hard visualisation for me to accept. I am dreading the day we take the bandages off and I see myself in the mirror. I know Rod will always love me and be here for me but will I still be attractive to him also plays my mind.

I have seen first hand the problems that can occur with implants and having repeated surgeries to fix implants scares me. On this note I am scared about future surgeries regarding these implants. At my age it is a guarantee that they will have to be replaced down the track.

The unknown of if my daughter has the gene as well haunts me. I can only hope that by the time she is 18 and if she chooses to have the test done, they have a simpler method for dealing with this.


The one topic that I have not mentioned yet is how I feel at this exact moment in time about my breasts. I am at a point where I do not want to look at myself in the mirror. I do not want to acknowledge my breasts in away way. I am even in a scary frame of mind that makes me not want to be intimate at fear of knowing I will not feel those sensations post surgery. You'd think I would be trying to make the most of it whilst I still had them??

Ok... so this is clearly for me the hardest blog post I have written. It is now late afternoon. Due to my inability to effectively communicate my emotions on this subject, this blog has taken me literally all day to write. I do hope that this insight into how I am coping does help others. Both people who are also going through this and to those trying to understand and appreciate this journey.

With over 2500 views on the blog I am so overwhelmed with the support. Please keep sharing as if I can help just one person then this process will be worth it.

I'd love to hear your comments and stories.

Tam xoxox

One week till surgery

10 days till surgery… I meet Zeus….

What an incredible day. Throughout this process of finding out and dealing with the breast cancer gene I have had many ups and down. Some decisions have been simple, such as … um… ok… so I can't think of any right now that have been simple!! The overwhelming majoring has just felt like heart break after heart break. The biggest of which is coming to terms with the fact that in just over a week now, I will have no breast tissue and two very large, very ugly scars. (And future tattoo nipples - I'm such a rebel!).  I have come to look at part of this surgery as not only life saving for myself, but also in a grieving process as well. 

Remember when you were in school and sang those songs "I must, I must, I must increase my bust!" and of course any song with boob reference… "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and "My boobs, my boobs, my boobs are OK!". Ops… been here singing the milkshake song and dancing around for the last five mins! Lost my focus for a moment there! Anyways… It was always such a big thing (and still is for most women) to have an impressive chest size. Why would so many women undergo cosmetic breast enhancements if it wasn't? I even remember looking in the mirror when I was just developing being so excited! Not to mention I had more of a chest then anyone else in the 7th grade at that stage! YEW! So to me this process certainly has not been an easy solution to arrive at. It is knowing that after this surgery I will have a continued life without a high risk of cancer trying to steal my amazing partner, my daughter, and my incredible family and friends away from me. 

So… This brings us to today. As a 'farewell' to my boobs, I wanted portraits taken. Not confronting "well here are the last photos of my boobs" but artistic reflections of this point in time PRIOR to having such drastic surgery. This is part of MY grieving process. Today was about confronting my fears head on knowing that whatever happens over the next couple of weeks/months I will still be hear and standing. 

In step the AMAZING BAMBI WIXON!! Not only a fantastic, creative and loving photographer but someone who was so inspired by what lays ahead for me, took everything to the next level. As well as my artistic nude style shots, Bambi has created the idea of before, during and after my surgeries. At this stage all I can tell you is that it involves a nest, eggs, and a HUGE BLOODY SNAKE!!! I have my complete trust and faith in Bambi and letting her go crazy nuts on whatever ideas spring into her head!

Bambi encouraged me into the studio by saying the snake is only a metre long and will have just eaten so will be very subdued and quiet. The first thing essentially that the lovely snake handler Brett tells me is that the snake "Zeus" is 8 ft long and hasn't eaten for a number of weeks so he is lovely and shiny…. uuummmm… RUN!!!! I had a quick briefing on trying to keep my heart rate slow and what happens if he bites! lol Thanks Bambi!

The lovely Tiffany stood beside me incase I needed a hand moving the Zeus… which I was pretty much paralysed so needed much help!!! 

Bambi: "Tam just bring your left arm in a little"

* I make a pathetic attempt to move *

Bambi: "oh… you can't… oh well…"

By the way, sorry for the amount of boob you had to see Tiffany!!  I managed to not get bitten but stay relaxed (except for the nervous sweat pouring off me!). Zeus truly was a beautiful snake who, although I can't say I enjoyed the experience, was pretty amazing and thoroughly ensured I confronted my fears head on!

We can't wait to see the finished product (which does involve more photos after my surgery) but for now we do have some behind the scenes images for you! Note the strategically placed Mr Zeus!

Thank you to Brett and Tiffany for bringing in Zeus and helping me throughout the shoot, for Kim who made my make up and hair look incredible! and of course to Bambi for making me feel so comfortable and helping me on this scary journey. xoxo

Hair and make up time!

 Bambi having a cuddle with Zeus.

A very strategically held snake and my screaming on the inside face!!!!! (And of course my saviour Tiffany!)

10 days till surgery

I LUV pressies!!

Recieved some amazing gifts in the mail today! 

Travel pillows for under my arms from the Zonta club. 

A berlei 'my care kit' with post surgical bras, singlets and soft foam bra inserts.

Some AMAZING smelling tea which Rod is not aloud to have!

And a 'my journey' pack from the breast cancer network Australia! 

Thank you Bess!!!!!!!!

This gave me a big giggles when I saw it... Will need to use this one a lot ... 

There are so many resources out there and some great information however I am yet to find a "so your about to chop your boobs off by choice..." pack. If you know of one let me know!!! 

Thank you everyone for your support. Im so glad I have so many who are helping me in this daunting journey. I'm learning already that of the 750+ views of my blog that some are about to go have their genetic tests / recently found out they are positive. I do hope you find everything I'm posting here in the lead up to my surgeries helpful. I'm attempting to be as honest as I can in every aspect. 

Tam

XoXox

BRWHAT???

Lets take a few minutes to learn a little more about the BRCA1.

Now more commonly referred to as the Angelina Jolie gene, the BRCA1 gene is sadly now a part of my life. The Breast Cancer network Australia comments that 90 to 95% of breast cancers have absolutely nothing to do with family history. Purely by cruel fate, breast cancer in majority of case is just by chance. This does imply that it is coincidence that several people in one family have developed cancer... However maybe there is a further gene that just has not been recognised yet???

The second occurrence can be related to environmental factors. There are correlations between families living in similar environments with similar diets and lifestyles, that have been linked with breast cancer.

The final occurence is the 5 to 10% of breast cancers that occur from a gene fault, or gene mutation, and are passed down through family lines. Both BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations are known to be associated with an increased risk of developing both breast and ovarian cancer, with BRCA1 being marginally more aggressive and higher occurrence at younger ages. Men can also be a carrier of this gene.

As mentioned previously in this blog, having this gene does not mean that I have cancer. It is only linked with an increased risk.

In Australia the process of testing is fairly straight forward. You do have to be over the age of 18. Generally your process will start (and continue) with the help of a genetic councillor. You will be given all of the information you need to make in an informed choice about whether to go ahead with testing or not. It's sadly not just a matter of "Ok I have the gene now I can ignore it". The knowledge you have this gene will constantly plague you so you have to be ready to accept that if the test comes back positive how you are going to handle it. There is also the matter of life insurance... Important to consider BEFORE having your test.

The actually diagnosis is simple. Blood is sent off and a couple of days later you will receive a phone call to come back in and discuss the results with your councillor. I can only hope that it is negative for you.

The good news (if any) of having a positive test will enable your family to also have the test. For me, my sister and mother having a positive test prior to mine actually enabled my testing to be medicare covered. I am unsure of the costs involved if you do not have an associated positive gene already?

So.... the test has just come back positive. You will be sent off to two specialists. One to deal with the ovaries, the other the boobs. I am so incredibly blessed to have the two most amazing surgeons! I have a history already gyn wise and before I had a chance to ring and make an appointment my gynacologist was calling ME to see if I was ok after he heard the news. My breast surgeon as well is the most incredible women who has taken my views and opinions into consideration as well as gently encouraging what she thought was the right path. As this is such a personal choice and only one in which you can make on your own, they provided me with the information I needed and only on my cues have proceeded with further plans for surgery.

Off I went after initial consultations with my surgeons for blood tests, MRI's and ultrasounds (both breast and gynie) every 6 months for monitoring.

There is now a lot of information available on the net if you are after any more information. The amazing FORCE group is here in australia with facebook pages and yearly conferences. There are also the Breast Cancer Foundation and the Breast Cancer Network Australia groups who have plenty of information also. Talk to your GP and of course keep up to date with your mammos/ultrasounds.

 If you are seriously considering having this test I wish you all the best of luck.


12 Days to go!

We love shopping!

I have been told that post op I will struggle to lift my arms for a number of weeks as well as wearing very fashionable drains. So button up shirts are the way to go!! However the only real button up shirts I have are my uniform... Not too sure how Cooloola Radiology feels about me staining my shirts with blood and drains etc... So decided to buy some new shirts! Hurray! 

A patient actually informed me about an 80% off sale at Big W so off I went. Came home with numerous button up shirts and even some comfy pants!

Also picked up a nude coloured bra and knickers... Special purpose for this weekend (more revealed on Saturday... And by more... I mean MUCH more!!). See you Saturday Bambi Wixon ;-)

Why have a double mastectomy at 27 when you do not have cancer?

The ultimate reality is… I don't have cancer… yet. My mother who has the same gene has not had breast cancer. She has been blessed to be in that small percentage of us who do have this gene to not be diagnosed. My sister on the other hand, my aunt, grandparents… in-fact we can trace breast cancer back 6 generations in our family. My 87% percent chance is still a 13% chance of not ever getting any form of cancer in my breasts. So why have surgery to remove healthy breasts???

I would like to introduce to you my little friends who have decided to join me in the last 24 months.
This is my Invisible Blob… Only detected on MRI but appears stable in over the past 12 months. Somewhere in the ultrasound image below is the lesion on my right breast…

This is my second friend… I call this one Weird Blob. This very hard to find on ultrasound lesion proves after a fine needle aspiration and a core biopsy to be a benign hamartoma, or a disorganised collection on tissue mass. Benign, although steadily growing in size to now make me not wear an under wire bra as it causes too much discomfort.

And this fine fellow… is my latest addition to the left breast (Yet to be officially named - suggestions please!). Only detected on my last MRI and ultrasound mid January 2014. This lesion has not previously been seen so has developed in the last 5 months. Immediate core biopsy and urgent visits to my surgeon. Unfortunately, being a sonographer has its disadvantages. This lesion does have many features of a malignant mass. The two projections from the side, vascularity, almost as tall as it is wide. At this stage this lesion is essentially inconclusive on biopsy… however this is also the reason why now is the time to have my breasts removed.

I will be undergoing a hook wire on this lesion to determine the need for further treatment (erh… chemo etc…). However for now its just a matter of GET THE THING OUT!

Even if these lesions come back as benign (which they will!!) this is why I am having surgery. Within two years I have had enough needles stuck into my boobs that if we left them there I may look more like an echidna!  I really do not wish to continue down this path. We need to sort these out prior to a positive biopsy. 

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of support once I had shared the first post. I know I have a lot of support and some truly beautiful friends and family. xox