Who is ready for Round TWO????!?

Not only are we watching round two of State of Origin (GO QLD!!) but we are gearing up for second surgery tomorrow. I have just had a phone call from my surgeons office confirming times so now anxiety has hit!

I have had a total of only 190 cc filled into each breast (within the expanders obviously) which overall is smaller than my previous size which I am happy with! I'm too active and given the opportunity very glad to go smaller! I'm pretty sure Rod will never forgive me for this choice though! 

I honestly can not wait to see the end of these hard plastic, lumpy, hard edge, uncomfortable expanders and swap to the smooth silicone! Overall I have not had to many dramas with them compared to others. I still get painful stinging when I lift my arms too high which feels as if the scars are about to separate. This more happens whilst I am sleeping and wake up with the horrible pain and an arm that can't move.

I am nervous obviously about the general idea and outcomes of tomorrow but the hardest part of the mastectomy is done so just keen to get it done. 

It's been a difficult lead up with numerous completely unrelated medical issues sadly happening. The largest of which involving my horse and a gate resulting in 5 missing teeth, busted lip and a tear in my lateral meniscus on my knee. All of which we will deal with after this surgery! 

This journey of eliminating any possible cancer also involves my ovaries as well. The BRCA1 gene is associated with ovarian cancers also which sadly there is often no cure due to the late ability of diagnosis. In preparation for my ovaries also being removed later in the year, I have started on HRT or hormone replacement therapy.  We are slowly introducing the hormones to not send my body into complete shock post surgery. 

I would honestly love to thank everyone for their support during this journey. My blog has reached over 10,500 people and I can only hope it has enlightened, educated, helped others in this situation. 

Kick off is about to happen, GO QLD! 

I'll update you all post op from hospital!

I'll leave you with one of Rodney's quotes  from this experience.... "Nipple reconstruction??? You will be constantly high beaming won't you... Everywhere you go people will be turning the air conditioning down."

Tammy xoxo

Coming to terms with the "before" and "after" of a double mastectomy

So not much has been happening on this end… Its a matter of just waiting and letting things settle. Going to be honest though, I was not expecting these expanders to be as horrible as what they are. It is 6 weeks post op today and I still am on cocktails drugs (only predominantly paracetamol and ibuprofen) but still a lot of it! I still have too much fluid on one side so have yet to have my first "fill" into them so still sitting at the standard 100cc… Honestly loving not having the hassle of boobs!! My other breast had mild rippling of the overlying muscle so just waiting and letting things settle. We are hoping after the Easter Bunny visits we may be able to inflate them mildly than start thinking towards the second surgery.

Its not all bad though. I am able to slightly lay on my stomach now which is a HUGE bonus! I stack pillows up in front of me and can now somehow get to sleep! YEW! I have woken up a couple of times though with my arms way to high and this horrible burning sensation rips through my scars. I have had to ask Rod to make sure I was still in one piece on more then one occasion. The other weird sensation that I have also seen mentioned on one of our chat rooms is the nipple sensation… You know ladies when you walk into a cold room and uumm… well… everything stands up! That is a weird sensation to have when you don't have nipples!!!!

It has always been my intention with this blog to be as honest as possible, including posting images of surgical scars and updates. However with almost 10, 000 views on this blog you can image I have been a bit overwhelmed to post photos of my boobs…. or foobs… or at this stage lack of either just in case they were taken in the wrong context!! In the lead up to my surgeries it was however photos of post op scars that lead me to my decision. Seeing what other women had been through was not only empowering but very educational. I learnt quickly what to expect and although it is difficult waking up and seeing the lack of tissue on your chest, at least you have a vague idea what is coming.

So... to not offend people, to not let you miss out on these updates without having these images daunting you, but to still give those who really need to see these images, the opportunity is here. If you follow the link below it should take you to a photo bucket library with images before, 1 day post op, 1 week post op and 4 weeks post op.


Password is foobs25

http://s1220.photobucket.com/user/TeamTamRod/library/Journey%20of%20the%20Foobs



As above I am only sharing these to help others who are facing this journey and NEED these images. I strangely have no attachment to the before photos now. I feel as if they are just images and nothing more.

I have met so many people by making this journey so public and love hearing your own journeys. I have met so many through pink hope, as well as the BRCA support groups around the world. I feel so blessed to be able of so many lives and help educate/ support others in making this decision.



On a slightly different note, I took the opportunity to fly to Adelaide to graduate from my masters degree whilst I have been unable to work. It was a wonderful experience to wear a gown and hat again… however I think I can hear my PHD calling!!??!!

xoxoxox

ONCE YOU CHOOSE HOPE… ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Thank you.

Having the BRCA gene, no matter your age, family history, or socioeconomic status, it is certainly going to honestly feel like you have just walked into a nightmare somedays. Everyone who has been diagnosed with this gene has their own story which when you compare them are all scarily similar. We are all under the constant pressure and stress every time we feel a slight twinge or that area in the left outer quadrant just feels different to the rest. The mind games you play with your self that you swear you saw something on that ultrasound, and the nervous wait for your MRI results hoping not to be taken through for yet another core biopsy. Every tiny change is scrutinized and although you try and play it cool, you always have that one word screaming inside... Cancer. 

I am 27. I am a qualified general sonographer with my masters specializing in venous incompetence ultrasound. I have a beautiful family. My amazing two year old miracle Brindy and my perfect partner Rodney. We are surrounded by the most amazing family and friends. I am also BRCA1 positive and on the 25th February underwent the first stage of my preventative surgeries, a double mastectomy, nipple sacrificing with expander insertion. I have two incredible surgeons. My gynecologist actually called me up before I got the chance to call him with the results, just see if I was OK. I feel as if I have the most amazing support network to guide me through this. 

However lately I have been thinking a little bit closer at what the people around me are going through? Rodney and I have always had an amazing ability to communicate well with each other... until this came along. I struggled to open up to my feelings regarding the gene and more found I could not talk about the stresses of it (hence why the blog was started). Rod simply held my hand through every step, not once judging me for my choices. Although he desperately wanted me to make the choice to have the preventative surgeries he never once told me this. This was a very personal and difficult situation which I had to find my own way through. This is extracted from his post he wrote:

“I always wanted Tamtam to have this surgery, for selfish reasons, I love HER, I have found somebody who I want to grow old with, to raise our daughter with (everybody who has seen our 2 year old agrees that she is amazing), to have a peaceful and meaningful home life. I have looked at what having this gene means and know within myself that this is the right choice for our family. It has still been Tamtam's choice but I am glad she has made it.”

Although he had lightly mentioned this in passing to me, this was the first time I had really understood what he was going through. Coming along to every scan, biopsy, Dr’s appointments I could tell he was struggling but tried to just play it calm. This point hit the hardest coming home from hospital after my double mastectomy. The amount of stress Rodney was under was immense. The pressure of me going through surgery, waiting for biopsy results, and still trying to keep everything together for our daughter was a struggle, but he did it (I am unsure exactly how much beer was drunk each night though!!). I appreciate how much he is looking after me, cooking me dinner, driving me to appointments, has my drugs sorted and written on the board. I do know this has been more of a challenge for him than me.

We have no family close to us, and although I know I have support from my family in Bathurst, Perth, Canberra and Brisbane, it does make it difficult. I can only image the pains my oldest sister is having watching our middle sister has cancer, followed by my mum and myself having drastic preventative surgeries. My oldest sister is blessed to not be a carrier of the gene but watching does not make things easier. Likewise with my middle sister who bravely is now 2 years cancer free *Insert happy dance here*, but had to watch from a distance me having the surgeries.

My parents have both been an amazing support. I know for my mum she feels a lot of guilt and blame as if it was her fault the gene was passed on to me. I know this feeling to a lesser extent, the fear that I have passed this on to my own daughter haunts me. These words are from my mum:

“As a mother you never want to see your children hurt or sick. It was the worst year of my life watching Jessica go through the chemo and radiation. I hold my breath every time she goes to see a doctor. I am so pleased that now you will be spared all that and you can get on with being our beautiful Tamara.”

My friends have also been a beacon throughout this. From texting and calling, dropping in DVDs, pedicures, and some even seeing my scars, have all been so supportive. 

I actually have just had my second photo shoot with Bambi, and although still working on the fine art masterpiece, she took some photos of Brindy and Rod with me. I know how talented Bambi is and that her creativity of my three stage photo will be AMAZING... it is these unexpected photos of my family that have captured my heart. Thank you Bambi for just being you, and for having such supportive and encouraging words regarding my scars... you were, apart from my surgeon and Rod, the first to see them which on its own was in some ways was honestly worse then holding onto that 8ft python! Thank you xox

I received so many flowers, chocolates and gifts throughout the last week... In fact I write this whilst mindlessly eating my way through a packet of favourites... There was only one Crunchie in there though! Disappointing!!!!! As much as I love them (my family not the chocolate) and appreciate them, it is my family and friends who deserve to be spoilt. You have all been my strength and my courage. Without your support I could never have gone through so much. 

Although I have been scared and confronted by this gene, I know there are so many people around me who love and care for me, who are feeling even worse. I am just letting you know how much I love and appreciate you. 

With two more surgeries coming up I know I will need everyones further support. This is a tough journey but glad I can share it with you all.

Tam 

xox

And a sneak preview of what is coming from the fine art masterpiece!! xoxo

Tissue Expanders

There has been many questions regarding what exactly my expanders are.

Essentially I have two hard plastic "balloons" which have been placed behind my pectoralis muscle (the major muscle which runs underneath the breast tissue). Over a period of a couple of months these will slowly become inflated with a saline solution. At the moment I have about 100cc of fluid in them which was done during surgery. Using expanders this way allows the tissue and muscles to settle and relax prior to inserting the final implant. Essentially results in a better cosmetic result. 

These certainly are not the most comfortable and at times I do feel pinching and pulling from the muscles. The harder plastic does make them difficult to rest on and with the help of a lot of pillows I can now roll on my side. Yew! 

Pain wise doing well though. It's difficult to sleep but I honestly think that is because I can not lay on my stomach! I keep getting into trouble for doing too much but I am trying to take it easy. The hardest thing still is not being able to pick up Brindy. :-( 

Image extracted from www.vanlaeken.com - tissue expander reconstruction.

I am currently trying to find more details on how many people in Australia have actually had this procedure. Not coming up with too much at this stage! I'm intrigued as a couple of the nurses mentioned I was the first one they had seen with expanders. I'll get back to you on this one!! 

And an update on my car... Nothing major... Just an entirely new engine required!!!! Ggrr!!! Not exactly impressed as it's only 4 years old!!  Anyone know any good reliable runabout small cars they could highly recommended?!?!?

Love you all.

Tam

Xoxox

Boredom

I'm not one to sit still for long. So put into a situation where I get hot sweats and dizzy, not to mention increased pains when I'm up for more than 5 minutes is not only uncomfortable but painfully boring!

I was so excited to have two amazing friends come round yesterday who bought my favourite BBQ shapes and chocolates. They also surprised me with a pedicure which was just heaven. My feet are still feeling silky 24 hrs later! Georgie and Kate thank you. I smile every time I see my gorgeous nails! 

The girls had their nails done as well. 

Rod fixed my iPad which hasn't been working for months, so I'll be able to start editing my masters book. Aim is to have two ready for publishing by the end of this! 

I of course have the company of my beautiful cat who hasn't left my side since I've been home. Love this boy. 

The other painful bit is staring at my walls which we haven't painted yet. Feel like I'm still in a fruit bowl. Horrible greens and purples everywhere!!! One day we will have the chance and finances to fix inside!! 

Despite being bored and seeing jobs everywhere that need to be done, feeling rather uncomfortable today. I understand my surgeon had to make an incision through part of my muscle. I believe it's this that is most uncomfortable today. Midline chest is very tender and is making my breathing feel mildly limited. More constant discomfort and cramping sensation. On the plus side the expanders themselves don't feel quite as painful today. 

My movement is slowly getting more. I am being cautious not to push it. 

All in good time. 

Xoxox

Feeling Blessed

I'm writing this from my very own comfy bed! 5 and a half days in hospital and although I was getting use to the hot chocolates and yummy biscuits, I am so glad to be home. 

I will miss my nurses though. Met some truly beautiful ladies who are deeply committed and passionate about their job. We had some great conversations, great laughs, and a few even helped with my crossword puzzles which was awesome! I dropped off some flowers and a thank you card on my way out but felt like this was such a small amount to give back considering how much love I received from them. Thank you ladies. I'll see you in a couple of months for round 2! 

An interesting day. Started with some fabulous news that all biopsy results have come back as benign. Although suspicious, my newest lesion still demonstrated benign characteristics. This for me means no chemo or radiation!!! Happy dance!!!

My drains were removed and cannula taken out. Not the most comfortable experience having drains removed but it feels great now! For the first time since surgery I have been able to sleep on my side! Being a huge tummy sleeper it's a fraction closer to comfort! 

My beautiful daughter and amazing Rodney arrived shortly after only to tell me my car that is only 4 years old has just died again. Serviced only 3 weeks ago, followed by having to be towed a week later for another issue, now towed again this morning. Just heart breaking. I love my car!! It's always been up to date with services etc so I'm thoroughly upset over this! You think you buy a new car for reliability only to have this happen! Ggrrr!!! Anyway it's off to Holden.... Again.... For mending. Third time lucky maybe??  (Sorry got side tracked there! Rant over!).

So with no way to get home, in step the wonderful Cody to the rescue. Lucky to as well had sooo many flower boxes to take to the car we needed another hand. Cody, thank you for your time this morning. We appreciate everything you did for us! And Jackie thank you for the flowers and cake... YUM!!! Xoxox

My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to clean, play with the dogs, play with the horses. Essentially just do all the little things you do around the house. I've already been I trouble from Rod for placing flowers around the house and trying to clean so making every effort to just sit! The hardest of course is playing with my beautiful Brindy. She is only two and considering is doing an amazing job of gentle cuddles and lots of kisses. My sister gave me the idea that after her surgery she placed a pillow in front of her chest before hugging her girls, which we are doing now also which does help. Also laying Brindy down first then hugging her that way seems to work. Rod stays very close by at this stage though just incase Brindy forgets so seems to be working well. We still have the hospital books and her favourite doll bandaged just like me. 

Saying all that we may need to implement story time for the dogs! My poor old half blind sheltie just got a freight and jumped up on me. Luckily not on my chest but a bit too close for comfort!! I missed my beautiful dogs!

The other exciting news today was hearing my story was in the paper. Feeling famous! 

I'm surprised with how familiar I am getting with my new appearance. Although I never had an enormous bust I'm rather liking the change of not too much in the front! Sounds strange I know! At the moment the expanders are filled to 100cc so a very small a cup. Maybe this is me feeling relaxed and excited about the now cancer free future that lays before me? I of course still have my ups and downs throughout the day but feeling, right at this moment in time, as if I'm actually going to be really comfortable with how the end result looks. 

Baby steps though. And I promise I am trying to be good and not do too much! It is so lovely to be home though!!! 

So my list of necessities I've found so far for this surgery:

* Button up LOOSE pjs and tops

* Very stretchy dance pants/ yoga pants and stretchy shorts

* Neck pillows for under my arms. I was very lucky to receive pillows from Zonta which had ties at the top to stop them falling down. These had less fill in them and were amazing to sleep with. I had larger foamy neck pillows for through the day which just made everything so much more bareable!

* Bowel movement help was a must. As I'm allergic to codeine I was on a lot of endone (morohine) which isn't the best for keeping you regular. Bring on the pear juice! 

* Puzzle books. I'm obsessed with them anyway but it just gave me something to take my mind off things. 

I had a lot of singlets and crop top type shirts packed but this soon after surgery I am still limited in movement so anything button up I'm just finding way more comfortable. 

Thank you again for all your love and support. 

Tam

Xoxox

the blokes perspective

Tamara has asked me to blog my view on this journey of ours, and anything Tamtam wants from me she shall have.

I just want to make it clear to everybody reading this that is considering this radical procedure that it is always your choice, we live in a country that we have this as an option and I am grateful for that, if you have the same gene and the same choice to make, if you choose to not have prevention surgery, to monitor closely and wait or to live your life like you never knew I respect your decision.

I always wanted Tamtam to have this surgery, for selfish reasons, I love HER, I have found somebody who I want to grow old with, to raise our daughter with (everybody who has seen our 2 year old agrees that she is amazing), to have a peaceful and meaningful home life. I have looked at what having this gene means and know within myself that this is the right choice for our family. It has still been Tamtam's choice but I am glad she has made it.

It has been tough to watch Bess go through cancer from distance, to have our fears confirmed through gene testing, to have every lump, bump, bruise on tamtams breast be a perceived death sentence. I have tried to be her rock through it all, but to be honest I have felt like an iceberg that has slowly melted away in the hot sun. I fear of my future without her so much, I have found so much meaning in life being a parent, but the most joy of all I have had in this world is being parent with Tamtam. 

When Tamtam showed me her scars today I felt happy and belive it or not I smiled, It was weird because I loved her boobs, but I looked at her and knew that the threat of loosing her, the real Tamtam, the woman I love and will spend the rest of my life with, had just been reduced so much. Thank you for having the courage to have this radical surgery so that we can watch our child grow up together.

Tamtam put up a picture that I have taken of her post surgery that was quite confronting, I took another picture of Tamtam and our daughter with both of them smiling, I want everybody to see it to know that the results are not all bad, that so much good can come from this experience.

Well there you have it, the blokes perspective. I have tried to be honest and open hearted because that is what Tamtam deserves.

P.S. Tamtam is my nickname for Tamara and am trying to get everybody to call her it so if you can help that would be appreciated